How to Tell if Your President is a Supervillain

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Hey kids! Presidents are generally recognized as heroic figures who sacrifice their own livelihoods for the sake of the people they were elected to serve. But here in 21st century America, that isn’t necessarily the case. Take this handy quiz below to find out if YOUR president is actually a superVILLAIN instead!

1.      Is he an unreasonably wealthy man of “industry,” even if his fortune came about through fakery, money laundering for a foreign enemy, and selling cheaply manufactured goods?

2.      Does he own a tower with his name emblazoned across the top?

3.      Does he have unsettling hair and a cabinet of horrible henchmen to be his mouthpieces and do his bidding?

4.      Is he very obviously in league with a whole host of other supervillains, yet seems to be at the very bottom of their evil-doing food chain and acts like he’s trying desperately to win their approval by being extra-heinous to his fellow citizens?

5.      Does he put his own needs before the needs of his country and its citizens, then justify it in a phony-baloney way that makes it sounds like he’s doing everyone a favor, but really he’s only helping himself and his supervillain friends?

6.      Does he have access to weapons of incredible power that he makes casual threats about and wields casually in wild, ill-advised ways, like they’re a giant extension of his underdeveloped genitalia?

7.      Does he sometimes refer to himself in third person and monologue during pivotal moments in his presidency, and then it turns out he was actually trying to talk to other people but only has the vocabulary of a second-grader?

8.      Does it feel like he’s always lining up a giant set of human dominoes that he hopes to topple at any moment so he can impress everyone into submission?

9.      Is he perpetually trying to undo all of the good that real heroes have done for humanity because he doesn’t know the difference between good and evil, except HAHAHAHA, he totally knows but chooses evil every time?

10.  Will his overinflated ego, unmitigated hubris, and irrational sense of self-importance ultimately be his undoing and land him in federal prison for the rest of his life, if it doesn’t annihilate the whole planet first?

If you answered yes to any or (seriously, though) all of these, then congratulations, and our condolences...your president is a supervillain. But take hope! Recognizing this is the first step in stripping of his power, and truth is his ultimate weakness, something we have in unlimited quantities. So let’s all be the heroes we need and vote him and his cronies right out of office!

Steven Luna